We’re settled.  Moved in.  Comfortable.

But I’m still adjusting.

Not to the Pacific Northwest.  Not to Seattle.  To staying at home.  Full time.

For eight years I had a career.  I spent my week days in corporate America.  Steady paychecks.  Benefits.  A 401k.

Then Colin came.

I took a 12 week maternity leave.  We enrolled him in daycare.  A few days before my maternity leave ended, I went to the daycare to drop off his things & meet his teacher.  I didn’t even make it back into my car before completely dissolving.  I could barely see through my tears to drive home.  How could I hand my baby over to a stranger, when the longest I’d been separated from him was a few hours?  I was a wreck.

It felt unnatural.

The day came.  I dropped him off.  My husband helped me through my tears.  We went to get breakfast as a distraction.  I could barely place my order without my voice cracking, using sunglasses to mask by red eyes.

But I survived it.  And each day got easier.

Being back at work and interacting with adults again was energizing.  I felt the fog that had been surrounding my brain begin to fade away.  Everything was great, except that I was plagued by mommy guilt.  For leaving my son.

Now, only 6 months later, things have changed dramatically.  We decided to move to Seattle and start this new adventure.  I had to leave my corporate job.  I’m now a stay at home mom.

It’s an adjustment.  A big adjustment.

I’m struggling to feel my value.  I don’t have the daily accomplishments, financial goals, recognition, teamwork, income.  At least not in the same sense that I’ve always known.

And as hard as those emotions can be, as much as I miss the reenergizing moments and the identity I had when I was at work… I remember that woman, sobbing in the daycare parking lot, and remind myself that this is where I’m supposed to be right now.  With my son.  Full time.